Loved I Not Honor More
by TheGirlWithFarTooManyIdeas
Summary: Episode 24 AU. Falling in love with a spy hurts. Falling in love with a spy who turns out to be the enemy commander...well, that's just Asemu's bad luck. Zeheart sold his soul to ensure Vagan gets the happy ending it deserves. Yet deep cover carries emotional dangers he hadn't been prepared for. A conversation turns into a sweet confession. Asemu x Zeheart.


**Loved I Not Honor More**

 _ **Me: Ah, Gundam AGE...first, I was fascinated by your basic concept - a consecutive storytelling of three generations in a long war. Then I fell madly in love with some of your characters - second generation, mostly. Then the third generation destroyed everything, including my heart, repeatedly. It was like watching Seed Destiny all over again. Especially the shipping, and the deaths.**_

 _ **Asemu: Are you going to write a tale where everyone lives?**_

 _ **Me: (shoots him a sympathetic look) I'd love to.**_

 _ **Zeheart: I don't care if you're crazy...Anything that saves me from making that stupid,**_ **stupid _choice so close to the end is welcome._**

 ** _Me: (grins) glad to hear it._**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam AGE.**

 _ **Reunion**_

Zeheart wondered if the colony's artificial forest and lake perfectly resembled that on Earth. There wasn't anything even remotely approaching it on Vagan or any of its colonies; the first time he'd seen forests and plains at Tordia it had hurt his eyes. He hadn't thought there was so much colour in the entire universe. He had been sorely tempted to spend most of his first few days on the colony simply walking through the greenery, taking in everything he could. As a matter of fact, that was the main reason for his initial aloof nature at the school – he'd been overwhelmed by all these new sensations and hadn't wanted to let it show.

Never show weakness. If you let your guard down, relax your strength, even for a moment...the harshness of Vagan would destroy you.

Which is probably why Daz had looked at him like he was mad when he explained where he was going, and why.

Zeheart didn't blame him. After all...he wasn't exactly wrong. All of the red clad warrior's instincts had been screaming the very same point at him ever since he stepped foot in that machine shop, when the other boy had smiled at him and offered him his hand in friendship, without reservation.

 _This is absurd...I've suffered much worse than the mere possibility that torments me now. After all I've seen, all I promised to change, yet the mere idea of what could be, what I might have to do, causes me to hesitate...again and again..._

 _Asemu...why you?_

"I know that...I know that! But..."

Zeheart's breach hitched. He knew that voice as well as his own. Walking out of the trees and to the lake, he caught a welcome sight.

There he was – he'd lost sight of the other boy for a few minutes, since he'd been wandering aimlessly and was following instinct. The artificial sunlight caught his golden white hair as he came to a stop by the lake side, staring intently across the rippling water. His expression was taught and ill at ease; clearly dwelling on something. He grimaced and looked away.

Zeheart took a few steps towards him, and hesitated. _No. I have to try...at least one more time._

"Asemu."

Asemu Asuno started and spun around, blue eyes wide. Zeheart was struck by a wave of warmth from his chest as those eyes settled on him and resisted the urge to make any sound. "Zeheart! What...what are you doing here?"

Why did it have to be him?

Intellectually, the dangers of going in deep cover were obvious...if you lived in a lie long enough, you may become so comfortable with it that you do not wish to return. Zeheart had dismissed the warnings. He was loyal to Vagan, to his suffering people. There was nothing he wouldn't do for them. Everything else; emotions, friendships, even Desil – his only family, psychotic and sadistically cruel and violent he may be, he was all that Zeheart had ever remembered possessing – were completely subordinate to that final goal. That promise.

Except...

" _You never thought to doubt me? ...Why do you trust me so much?"_

" _...Because we're friends."_

...no one is invincible. Especially someone who has never experienced affection.

Asemu stood as though rooted to the spot; he made no move to leave or break the dog tags he possessed meant for emergencies. _He's not looking to see if I'm alone...he just...trusts me not to harm him?_ The thought threatened his composure, again. _Daz was right. This is a bad idea._ Asemu regarded him expectantly, confusion and a myriad of other emotions, ones Zeheart couldn't put names to, rushing through those brilliant and distinctive eyes of his. _What are you thinking, Asemu?_

"I came to tell you something you need to understand." He said, relieved when his voice came out steady and matter of fact.

"Something I need to understand?" Asemu parroted, his shoulders tensing slightly.

"I am destined to live my life in combat." Zeheart stated. _It doesn't matter...that dream of mine is that, a dream. Maybe in another lifetime, I could achieve it...a family, a lover, children, a home and an easy, happy, peaceful existence._ He clenched his fist slightly, hoping the other boy hadn't seen it. "But you're different. You can choose a path that doesn't involve fighting."

Surprise was replaced by confusion and anger. "And what will happen if I do?" Asemu challenged, glaring at him. Possibly wondering if this was some sort of trick.

"You'll remain yourself," Zeheart retorted flatly.

Asemu blinked twice, the anger draining away into bewilderment. "Remain...myself?"

Zeheart slowly shook his head, silently cursing Flit Asuno – not for creating the Gundam, or fighting his people, but for leaving this ridiculous legacy for Asemu to obsess over and measure himself against. Only a truly _inspired_ mechanic could make an otherwise gentle and sensible person look at their life – a life with _happiness,_ safety, _family_ , security – and feel that it somehow isn't enough. That he needed to somehow prove himself – Asemu had been wound up in that notion ever since Zeheart met him, and likely had been for a while before.

Asemu scowled at the gesture. "What's that supposed to mean?" He agitated, before suddenly deflating and running a hand through his hair. "God. You really do think I'm an idiot."

"I never accused you of being stupid." Zeheart retorted before he could stop himself. Asemu gave him a flat look, clearly not believing it. "Impulsive to the point of endangering yourself, yes. Not stupid."

"Why does it matter to you if I am?" Asemu asked. Now his voice was hard with bitterness. "You know you don't have to continue pretending you give a damn about me. I know you never did."

That was supposed to be true. It _should_ be true. It was a mission, a timed one, he was always going to turn on that colony even if he'd never met the blonde, something that would bring Vagan closer to ending their eternal, constant suffering.

Then why the hell did he feel like he'd been scalded?

"Tell me something, Asemu," Zeheart snarled, genuine anger in his voice, "if you really believe that. I knew you were the pilot of the Gundam before I introduced myself to you. If you meant _nothing_ to me, _why didn't I kill you?_ "

Asemu took a step backwards, eyes widening slightly. Zeheart let out a brittle laugh in response, which seemed to shake him. "Glad you let me keep my life," he said dryly.

"You think that's all?" Zeheart snapped, taking a few steps forward until he was about arms length away from the infuriating blonde. Asemu tensed up, wondering if the silver was about to attack him. "That I risked my mission, repeatedly, for your sake, on a _whim?_ No, believe this much Asemu – I care about you _far_ more than I should."

"Why?" Asemu asked, with the tone of someone uncertainly reserving judgment.

"Because you're you!" Zeheart burst out. "Because you're kind and you risk your life for people who have done you wrong and you're unlike anyone I've ever known. Someone who reached out and taught happiness to someone who never knew any...and..."

His breath caught in his throat. "I'm a fool," He muttered, "you protected me from your own soldiers and all I wanted to do was return that, somehow, even though my people are starving and wasting away while the Gundam stands between them and salvation."

A troubled look flitted across Asemu's expression. "The cover up was a hundred and fifty years ago," He said uneasily. "Do you really want to punish people like Romary and Marcil and even Unoa for something that happened back then? "

Zeheart gaped at his friend wordlessly. He couldn't help it; even though he knew that Flit would have been reading him that party line and Asemu would have not had any access to information that might prove to the contrary and his tone of voice suggested he doubted that explanation even now, the fact that anyone could look at why they might start the war and come to that conclusion...

"...R-Revenge? You think...that's what...this is about?"

And for that matter, why was _this_ hurting him as well? Did Asemu really think he'd betray him just to chase petty revenge for some faceless ancestors?

Another brittle laugh escaped his lips. Asemu flinched, as if he didn't like the sound. "Asemu, if you and everyone you ever knew, from your family to people you saw in passing, were all sentenced to a terrible, lingering death, what would you do?"

"...I..."

"The Federation calls our home Mars." Zeheart's lip twitched. "Most people I knew as a child called it Hell. The Gate to Hell was the atmosphere of Mars; they say if you pass through it without radiation shielding, you'll feel your blood boil as the beginning of a five hour descent to death. Fitting, I think."

Asemu stared at him for a moment. "Hell. Was it really...?"

 _Oh Asemu, you'll regret you asked that. If you didn't want Rod Albus to die alone, this knowledge will affect your mobile suit performance_ far _more than a lack of X Rounder aptitude._

"I spent a year there with you...a year in a colony not close to Mars. I could have died and gone to heaven and not noticed much of a difference. Something that sticks out in my memory in particular was when you took me and Romary to the artificial beach. You lay down in the sand and decided to let the sun warm your skin, and I nearly told you that you'd catch the Mars Ray sickness before remembering where I was"

Zeheart shook his head, "When I met your sister, the first thing I thought of was that, if this was Vagan, she would be learning to pilot a mobile suit as well – that is, if she hadn't already dropped dead from the Mars Ray sickness. It tends to hit girls when they enter their teen years...or during pregnancy."

He ignored the blonde's stunned look at that tidbit of information before going on, "Marcil would already be dead, count on that – in fact, I'd say half our class would be a write off, if not to the Mars Rays, then to lack of food and water. Shootouts tend to crop up when we run low on those, and _that_ is _also_ guaranteed _._ Despite our best efforts, Mars still rejects all forms of terraforming our current technology can provide. Food has to be grown through artificial turf, water harvested from ice in space."

Zeheart looked skyward for a moment. "The first food riot I remember happened when I was seven. The man in control of our colony managed to misplace the ship manifests, and only half the qouta arrived. A third of our population died in the following week...the riots, thrown stones and fire weren't even the worst part." He smiled coldly and humorlessly at his friend. "The worst part was when he sent squads through the city, granting mercy to those he could not feed. I...was allowed to survive. Not because of my age...because I manifested my X Rounder abilities and managed to stop the mobile suit before it blew apart the shack I and several other children had been hiding in."

"Zeheart..."

He was saying too much; he'd let Asemu completely side track him, but he was so angry at the accusation – angrier than the small voice in the back of his head knew he should be – and kept going. It was everything he thought of when he heard ignorant Federation citizens calling his broken people 'heartless'.

He was barely even aware of the dawning horror in Asemu's eyes as his tirade continued.

"Of course, even then it was two days before I got to eat anything...Lord Ezelcant himself arrived with relief ships then. He came to me when he heard what I had done..." Zeheart shook his head and smiled fleetingly at the memory. "I thought he would be angry with me. Destroying a useful machine, killing one of his governors..but he was _impressed_. He said I had the will to survive."

"Heh. I'm sure your father has gone on at great length about what a monster Lord Ezelcant is." His lip curled into a smirk. "I imagine he didn't mention how he united the colonies that were tearing each other apart with panic and desperation and despair. How he evened out the food distribution, so streets of dead bodies granted 'mercy' would not be a common sight. How he promised to take us _home_ , so no mother will have to sit and watch her six year old son thrash and choke on his own blood as he succumbed to the Mars Rays, nor a child attempt to wake his parents only to discover they _both_ died in the same night from the disease, leaving him only with his brother..."

His brother, who murdered a thirteen year old girl at eight in order to get revenge on a pilot who had slighted him, then shrugged and felt no remorse for doing so when questioned.

Zeheart knew that Desil was his only family. He also knew his brother was a monster.

"How he turned _me_ , from a child destined for death, to a soldier who may yet be able to save his people before the end."

Yes, he was _definitely_ saying too much. And yet...he couldn't seem to stop.

"That... _that's why I don't understand you!_ " Zeheart shouted finally, his gaze snapping back to Asemu's wide blue orbs. "Asemu, if you were a Vagan, you'd probably have held your sister's corpse at some point. But you _aren't_. You don't have to give up your compassion, your kindness, your good nature, your smile and laugh and everything that drew me to you..."

 _Shut up. Shut up_ now, _Gallete. If you say that out loud, if you put words to it, will you be able to do go through with it?!_

"Z...Zeheart... ...I had no idea..." Asemu stuttered, gazing at him as though mesmerized, lips parted with shock. He had never, ever seen Zeheart so bluntly emotional. And that was what convinced him that his friend was telling the truth. "...It really is...so harsh there?"

Zeheart snorted, hoping to come across as chilly instead of drained. "You're the son of Flit Asuno. Of course you didn't know."

"...Why blow up Colony Angel and Nora?" Asemu managed to regain some of his mental processing at the clear shot at his frequently-absent father. "Okay. You can _hate_ the Federation...I can see that. I don't think a sane human being, living...like...like that," He paused and just stared at Zeheart for a moment that seemed to go on forever. It was as if the blonde was seeing him properly for the first time.

The silver haired boy felt unexpected heat rush to his face. He prayed it didn't show.

"But those colonies didn't _have_ any Federation presence. It was just full of civilians, _none_ of them would have known how terrible everything was for you..."

"That..." Zeheart paused, finally snapping out of his haze, wondering how to respond. He knew Asemu was right about that; review of the scenario provided little justification for the colony's destruction. "...I don't know. That was long before my time."

Why did Lord Ezelcant order that? He must have had a reason...would it be impudent of him to ask the next time they met? His Lord was usually quite patient with him, but he didn't often question his warfare decisions...

"What would have happened to Tordia if we hadn't driven the force off?" Asemu asked, a clearer look crossing his face. Suddenly he looked less like a confused boy in over his head...and more like Zeheart himself. He'd seen that look in the mirror before. "What would have happened to my mother and sister? Family of Flit Asuno?"

"I would never," Zeheart started, offended and hurt – he couldn't explain how he was feeling any other way –

"I believe _you_ wouldn't have." Asemu interrupted, nodding. "But can you really tell me none of them would have done them harm?"

He couldn't have; he respected Asemu enough not to lie to his face and he didn't have too much faith in people in general to begin with.

"Then you know why I'm here," Asemu finished, looking pleased with himself.

Zeheart was sorely tempted to punch something in frustration. Had he really come out here just to give his friend _more_ reason to stick to this course? "This isn't a tourney, Asemu! You could be killed!"

"I know," Asemu had the nerve to smile at him. "But I think I'd rather risk my own life than face the relative certainty of death coming to people I care about. You understand that, right? That's why you're here, isn't it?"

He ran a hand through his hair and looked a bit sheepish. "I'm sorry about earlier, Zeheart. You tried to remind me that there was a bit more at stake here than my dad's approval, but I mistook your motives. I let my anger at finding out you were a spy control me."

Asemu looked straight at him again, blue eyes soft and kind in the way that made his heart ache with longing. "You really were exactly who I thought you were."

Zeheart stared at him in silence, again. He didn't know what his expression was, all he knew was that his composure had deserted him. His only hint was Asemu faltering and looking uncertainly at him. "Zeheart? Are...are you alright?"

 _I...I can't. I can't!_

 _You must._

Hesitating for a moment, Zeheart crossed the remaining distance between him and his friend, gently taking Asemu's face in his hands. He just had enough time to see the blonde flush a shade of red that would rival the Zeydra before he pulled him into a fierce kiss.

Zeheart had little to compare love to. Desil was hardly a font of such emotion, and the environment of Vagan was not condusive to casual relationships. The only thing Zeheart had to serve as a measuring stick was what he'd seen between Ezelcant and his wife Dorene. Dorene had something of a soft spot for him, and described the emotion when he asked her about it. _You'll wonder how you ever lived without it,_ she had told him. _It's the most wonderful feeling imaginable._

It wasn't until he felt deep relief that Asemu survived his encounter with Daz – and then being told he was to remain on Tordia, with him, to continue gathering data – that the implications of how that boy made him feel truly sank in. He thought of it not as a continued mission, but that he'd get to spend more time with the blonde...

 _She was right_ , Zeheart mused as his eyes slid closed. _There's nothing like this; even unrequited, its power...so that's why I've failed. I understand..._

His thoughts broke off, quite suddenly, when Asemu – who'd been frozen in shock at being silenced like this – slid his arms around Zeheart's back; one at his shoulders, the other brushing against his spine. Zeheart felt a gentle returning pressure against his lips and wanted to collapse, just like in those insipid stories Romary adored so much, because he had never even begun to dream that his affection was anything but one sided, and god if he was unconscious at least then he wouldn't have to-!

Zeheart broke the kiss – his final goodbye – pushing Asemu back a step before pulling out his gun, pointing it at his friend.

His love. His sin. His soul.

"Zeheart?" Asemu stammered, looking at the weapon in a mixture of shock and something the silver boy couldn't put words to – he had so few to begin with.

He could have said anything. Anything. _I am a Vagan. This is my duty and you're endangering it just by existing._ But when he spoke, the words that came out were desperate.

"Forgive me. _Please,_ forgive me." The hand that held the gun was shaking.

"You don't have to do this," Asemu said softly, eyes fixed on the gun, wondering if he dared gamble with Zeheart's willingness to take the fatal shot.

"You're the pilot of the Gundam. You _know_ I have to. I...I wanted you to leave. I don't want to do this. Asemu..." He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. "I'm sorry. God forgive me _...!_ "

"No one should ask you to do this." Asemu insisted.

"I have to...Eden, all of it is for Eden. I have to bring my people to paradise."

"Zeheart, can I ask you something? Before you shoot me? How could someone who is capable of killing the ones they love be able to create paradise?"

There was that painful scalding sensation. Again. That question ran around his mind a few times as he shook his head, trying to be rid of it. "I..."

Asemu took a step forward and placed a hand on the barrel of his gun; Zeheart looked into his eyes again thinking about how much he hated and loved this boy's typical reckless courage. "Commander Woolf told me something a few days ago," he recalled, "before I got in trouble. He said that the moment a soldier starts to do 'absolutely anything' for a cause, they've already lost."

"What brought that on?"

Asemu smiled again and told Zeheart a story...how the mobile suit commander of the Diva had stopped him in the hallway while he'd been dwelling on the loss of his friendship (romance?), remarking that he looked gloomy. Not quite daring to tell him the real problem, he had instead asked if the older man ever thought about the enemy pilots when he went into combat. Instead of questioning Asemu's loyalty (like some would have) Woolf Enneacle sat down and told him the story of how he'd discovered the Vagan enemy were human – coming across a dying young soldier and comforting him in his final moments. Ultimately what Woolf had taken away from the experience was not that their enemy had to be destroyed (like Flit would have wanted, though both Woolf and Asemu were blissfully ignorant of the depths of that man's hatred at the moment) – just fended off until they were willing to negotiate for peace.

"Heh..." Zeheart felt himself smiling crookedly. "I wouldn't have guessed his rank with that story in mind."

"We're not all cut from the Federation stone," Asemu assured him with a slight smile. "Though I'm guessing that's why Second Moon didn't return to Earth peacefully."

Zeheart just nodded. He hesitated for a moment before saying, "Can you forgive me for underestimating you, Asemu?"

The blonde chuckled. "Yes, though what you _should_ be apologizing for is pulling a gun on me after our first kiss. The only thing that could have killed the mood more is if my dad caught us together."

Zeheart was torn between blushing and cringing at the idea. "I, doubt either of us would make it out of that unscathed...if at all."

"You're probably right," Asemu acknowledged; there was a light in his beautiful blue eyes that Zeheart hadn't seen since he was still undercover. He had enough mental discipline not to be rendered breathless at the sight, but it twisted his heart into a knot. Asemu seemed to read his face, because he sighed slightly. "This is the point where, normally, I'd ask if you're busy this evening...but I can't. We have to shoot at each other later, don't we?"

"Yes." Zeheart noted, but he removed the gun's magazine and dropped it to the ground. Asemu took that as encouragement and walked a pace closer so they were standing face to face.

"What does that make us?" he wondered.

"Fools, most likely."

The blonde looked amused instead of offended, his lips quirking into a familiar smile. "Yeah. I guess so. ...Don't die, okay?"

"I don't plan to." Some of Zeheart's calm confidence had returned. "It's you I'm worried about."

Asemu kissed him this time; Zeheart let his weapon clatter to the ground and threw his arms around the blonde's neck. Neither boy noticed they had someone watching them, an astonished and heartbroken girl in the treeline. Not when this might be the last time they saw each other. Zeheart gently pressed his tongue past Asemu's lips, grinning slightly when the other boy's knees buckled in response sending them both to the grass. The silver haired pilot pushed his lover onto his back, straddling him in a cuter parody of how his mobile suit had dominated the Gundam a month ago. "You like that?" he murmured. He felt Asemu smile against his mouth while the other boy tangled his fingers in his long hair. Eventually Zeheart pulled away from his lips and started trailing kisses down his neck; Asemu let out a strangled moan and dropped one hand to his lower back.

"Careful," Zeheart whispered, voice husky, diverting a considerable amount of his remaining mental strength to ignore the heat pooling in his stomach. They weren't in a closed room, after all... "I may never let you up."

"I think I can live with that." Asemu responded with a small smirk, before pressing one knee between the older boy's legs. Zeheart gasped, his grip weakening so the blonde easily flipped him onto his back and crawled onto his chest.

Gold eyes stared up at him with a mixture of indignation and lust. "That was dirty," he managed.

"Now you know how that feels," Asemu retorted with a small laugh before leaning over and catching Zeheart's lips in his own again. The kiss was deep and sensual and lasted several seconds. When Asemu broke away to catch his breath, he whispered, "I love you, Zeheart."

"...And I you." Zeheart murmured, caressing the blonde's face. "I think you're the only person I'll ever love. I pray I won't have to kill you."

"You'll have to get the chance."

That's when Asemu's communicator started buzzing frantically. The blonde blinked, stared down at it, and sighed. "Go on," Zeheart said, voice soft with understanding. "We both have our duty."

The two stood up, exchanged a final kiss, and ran off in opposite directions.

 **End Chapter**

 _ **I am firmly of the belief that these two make a better couple than Romary. I was also pretty firmly in Vagan's camp right up until Ezelcant revealed how crazy he was (honestly, second generation Flit Asuno strongly resembles Patrick Zala and Gihren Zabi). I hope you all enjoyed!**_

 _ **Read and Review please!**_


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